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Jokes Follow Up - Man is chilled to Absolute Zero but he's OK.

Posted by melbaver 
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melbaver Avatar
Chris Howells
Broadwater NSW, Australia   aus
1968 MG MGB "Moneypit"
1996 Jeep Cherokee "Shopping Trolley"

Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.




Chris Howells

1968 MGB Purchased already dis-assembled which is why I'm often ignorant about what some parts are, and even more ignorant of where they go.


rocannon Avatar
Frank L
Oklahoma, USA   usa
1980 MG MGB "Restored By Photoshop Inc."

thumbs up



“From what we get, we can make a living. What we give; however, makes a life.”
― Arthur Ashe

“Do. Or Do Not. There is no Try."
― Yoda

TANSTAAFL !

JNickell Avatar
Jay Nickell
Plano, Texas, USA   usa
1980 MG MGB

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -- Steven Wright



A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

A man's admiration for absolute government is proportionate to the contempt he feels for those around him.
-Alexis de Tocqueville

1980 MGB

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Jedster1 Avatar
Jed Jedrey
Hixville, MA, USA   usa
1967 MG MGB GT V8 Conversion "Yard Art"
1972 MG MGB "Roller Skate"
1991 Harley-Davidson Touring "Station Wagon"
2001 Ford F-350 "Wicked Black"
2010 Ford Taurus "Silver Bullet"

Good ones! smileys with beer

Hadn't heard the tachyon one. grinning smiley

The binary one used to be my sig!

Some more oldie but goodies . . . .

Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of cokes. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"

A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".



Seriously?? You can't comprehend or comply with the very simple rule of the road "Keep Right Except to Pass"???
Then get to the Registry and turn in your license, dipshit, because you're a menace to society and a danger to yourself and others!!

Simon Avatar
Simon Clowes
Salem, Oregon, USA   usa
1979 MG MGB "Big Red -For Sale"

In reply to # 2418524 by JNickell "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -- Steven Wright

Obviously, one of the things you have is a place to put everything else.



1979 Roadster (Big Red) daily driver.
unknown GT somewhere in the future.
09 Accent

Don't got to bed made - stay up all night plotting revenge

Andy74 Avatar
Andy Jamieson
Sherwood Park, Alberta, Canada   can

I hate to be "that guy", but magnesium and oxygen hooking up would be MgO2, or magnesium peroxide. And it would be a threesome. One magnesium going at 2 oxygens.

Edit: I'm wrong, I must have read the 1+ charge of sodium or the 1- charge of fluorine when I looked at my periodic table. MgO2 does exist though, as does MgO



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2013-07-16 10:19 PM by Andy74.

melbaver Avatar
Chris Howells
Broadwater NSW, Australia   aus
1968 MG MGB "Moneypit"
1996 Jeep Cherokee "Shopping Trolley"

Except it was a non-chemist who heard the story about Oxygen and Magnesium hooking up.........................and predictably he went Oh My God!!!.......usually OMG...................but for joke accuracy OMg!!!!!.......................chuckles.



Chris Howells

1968 MGB Purchased already dis-assembled which is why I'm often ignorant about what some parts are, and even more ignorant of where they go.


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pippatch Avatar
John Sugden
St. Albert, Alberta, Canada   can
1969 MG MGB GT
1976 MG MGB "Baby Boo"
2009 Ford Escape

In reply to # 2419290 by melbaver Except it was a non-chemist who heard the story about Oxygen and Magnesium hooking up.........................and predictably he went Oh My God!!!.......usually OMG...................but for joke accuracy OMg!!!!!.......................chuckles.

Loses something when you have to explain the joke!!!! confused smiley



John & Marge Sugden
1976 MGB Roadster
1969 MGB GT

Jedster1 Avatar
Jed Jedrey
Hixville, MA, USA   usa
1967 MG MGB GT V8 Conversion "Yard Art"
1972 MG MGB "Roller Skate"
1991 Harley-Davidson Touring "Station Wagon"
2001 Ford F-350 "Wicked Black"
2010 Ford Taurus "Silver Bullet"

Yeah, it does.



Seriously?? You can't comprehend or comply with the very simple rule of the road "Keep Right Except to Pass"???
Then get to the Registry and turn in your license, dipshit, because you're a menace to society and a danger to yourself and others!!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2013-07-18 12:15 PM by Jedster1.

melbaver Avatar
Chris Howells
Broadwater NSW, Australia   aus
1968 MG MGB "Moneypit"
1996 Jeep Cherokee "Shopping Trolley"

I absolutely agree!!!!!

In reply to # 2419191 by Andy74 I hate to be "that guy", but magnesium and oxygen hooking up would be MgO2, or magnesium peroxide. And it would be a threesome. One magnesium going at 2 oxygens.

Edit: I'm wrong, I must have read the 1+ charge of sodium or the 1- charge of fluorine when I looked at my periodic table. MgO2 does exist though, as does MgO



Chris Howells

1968 MGB Purchased already dis-assembled which is why I'm often ignorant about what some parts are, and even more ignorant of where they go.


Andy74 Avatar
Andy Jamieson
Sherwood Park, Alberta, Canada   can

I know, I killed it confused smiley sorry.
Here, I'll make it up to you

What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!

Jedster1 Avatar
Jed Jedrey
Hixville, MA, USA   usa
1967 MG MGB GT V8 Conversion "Yard Art"
1972 MG MGB "Roller Skate"
1991 Harley-Davidson Touring "Station Wagon"
2001 Ford F-350 "Wicked Black"
2010 Ford Taurus "Silver Bullet"

You've redeemed yourself, Andy! smileys with beer



Seriously?? You can't comprehend or comply with the very simple rule of the road "Keep Right Except to Pass"???
Then get to the Registry and turn in your license, dipshit, because you're a menace to society and a danger to yourself and others!!

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